December 14, 2017
It’s the holidays, a time when friends and family gather together to visit and share in the warmth and festivities of the season. But what about holiday guests that stay long past the holiday?
Those lingering guests are only testimonials to your amazing hospitality. Or at least, that’s what you try to tell yourself when December comes and goes and you’re still bedding down cousins on the living room floor. There’s a reason for the phrase, “Guests and fish start to smell after three days.”
Holiday guests are always a challenge, but this is especially true when they overstay their welcome. How can you get those aunts and uncles into their car and and driving down the street in a timely manner without hurting anyone’s feelings in the process? It takes preparation, forward thinking, and the ability to lie like a professional con man. Here’s what we suggest:
It’s a digital world in which we live, and there’s nothing you can’t print up on the internet — including fake plane tickets that look at least realistic enough to fool Grams and Gramps. Send yourself off to Bimini, the Dominican Republic or Albuquerque after Christmas. Just make sure your fake destination is far enough away that family won’t be encouraged to follow.
This one can be tricky because if you have close relatives who genuinely care about your family’s wellbeing, they might try to extend their stay to help you recover. For this reason, we recommend making your fake dreaded surgery as awkward to discuss as possible. Consider having something removed from your nether regions. Awkward conversations make great incentives for lingering holiday guests to suddenly start loading up the family wagon.
This excuse could either set you free forever or send you up the river for twenty years. What’s that? Family doesn’t know about your double life as an international spy? Well then – January 1st is the perfect day to break the news, especially with such an important court date coming up tomorrow. Give everyone a hug and kiss goodbye, just in case, then spend the rest of the day talking on and off the phone with your fake lawyer.
Yes, it’s true that most college kids are off for the holidays at the end of December, but your college kid is special — so special that he or she MUST be back at the dorms by January second at the latest. Otherwise, they risk the loss of that full scholarship and fifty years of stellar earning potential. What’s that? Little Susie is only nine? Well yes. But she IS a prodigy after all, and you’re so very sorry to have to cut the festivities short, but that’s just how it is sometimes.
Now, if you’re like most people, it may feel bad, lying to the in-laws at Christmas, but ask yourself this — isn’t one little white lie better than spending all of January sharing the bathroom with your hairy uncle Jed? Hospitality does have it’s limits, after all, even during the holidays. With these simple, but ridiculous suggestions, you’ll be able to wave good-bye and reclaim your remote.